Well, it's late, but I'm blogging cuz I need to kind of spill my guts. I always feel like I'm constantly trying to achieve a goal that's never going to happen, like I'm chasing a rabbit down a hole but I never get any closer to the rabbit.
Ok I don't think I'm even saying it right.
Start over. I've been telling myself for years that things are going to get better. That once I graduate and make more money, I'll be able to pay off some debt, we can move out of this crappy neighborhood, and we can have another baby and not constantly worry about making money. Money is a BIG part of this equation. I owe a lot of people some and I don't make enough. And once I complete college, I'll have to start paying for that college education that I so desperately needed, only to find out that most entry level careers for my degree require major hours (50-60) and shitty salaries in order to gain experience. But what about my daughter? My husband? My family? Why is there not a job out there that incorporates that into the equation?? Why should I have to sacrifice myself and the time I could be spending with my loved ones? And I'd be making more money but I'd be losing some of the things that make me rich at heart. I don't know what to do. And everyday, it grows more worrisome, and more pressing. And I just say what I always say when things look hopeless... it won't always be this way. But I can't stop myself from adding: but what if it is?
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2 comments:
hey Christina. i don't really know what to say to ya, but i have felt that my plans for life haven't worked out either.
everyone has money problems when they are out in the real world, especially when they start a family. i don't know how they get through it, but it seems like they always do.
i have learned the hard way that i was being too idealistic on my plans...not to say that you are at all, but maybe strength and character are best formed when we can deal with uncertainties with sheer faith through the times of life's brutal BS path. i don't know.
honestly, it's because of people like you (and there are very few that have been as effective as you in my life quite personally) that i have felt like i am finally coming around to at least seeing the sun again. so, thank you for that...BIG TIME. you are loved and very effective as a true, loving friend. keep your faith, friends, and family close to you as you have been...i think it will work out.
and ya know? worrying is a bitch..and we need to find her and kill her ASAFP! grab Joey and Brooklyn and lets go!
Girl, I feel you on not knowing what the future holds. I'm so bad at trying to control everything. The things that I've been going through lately make me say the same questions as you. What if things don't get better!? What if it will always be this way!?
I know a lot of people seem so happy after they graduate from college and they seem to have great jobs and great lives. But I'm sure they just put on an act for everyone most of the time anyways. I'm glad to see someone being realistic about things. You're down to earth about what can and cannot happen and you should be glad about that. That sucks ass that the jobs that you can get with your major are such shitty hours. But, who knows!? Maybe you'll find a job with an awesome boss that lets you set your own hours or is at least flexible with you and your family's needs.
I will definitely pray for you. And, I am here for you!! I know we don't know one another very well yet but I hope to change that because you are such an awesome chick! You know what you want and you don't fuck around. That's awesome! I have no doubt that you will get through it all. Stay strong.
I will do anything in my power to help you out. You know how to get ahold of me (I guess you need my phone # at some point too lol...I'll PM that to you later). And I know Angie is here for you and Joey and so on and so forth.
I hope we all end up with things great and big and awesome to look forward to soon.
When did we become adults and how do we make it stop!? lol.
OK...now that i've written a book I'm gonna go.
~cj~
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