New Beginnings...

Okay everyone, I am now an official employee of Aeropostale! I am the new assistant manager, and I start the job on August 13. YAY!!! I got an almost $2 raise out of it, too, which is awesome! Technically I'm a salaried employee, but if you do the math that's what it comes out to. Anyway, that's all for now!

Wonderful

I received my copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows yesterday at 3:00pm, and I began reading it at once. Including potty breaks and cigarettes, it took me 12 hours to read it. I cried, I admit, reading and experiencing the deaths and triumphs of the final story of the series. It was wonderful, just as I thought itwould be, and though I was excited to read it I am also left with an extreme sense of loss. For the end of such stories and adventures mean the real death of a much loved character. I must say that I won't spoil it for any of you. But I'll tell you that the spoilers on the internet were wrong, except the one I read about 6 major characters dying. That was correct. Now, I wonder if another series will ever top it as a major bestseller for children. I know for sure that when Brooklynn turns 11, I will most cetainly read them to her or let her read them on her own.

So I am sad, but delighted. I could not have foreseen a better ending. Curious? You'll have to read it.

This might be it!

Okay! I went to an interview at Aeropostale yesterday for an assistant manager position, and I was really nervous but apparently I did something right because the district manager has already invited me back to meet his boss, so maybe this is it! I might be getting a really cool job to get my start! And I know some of you are thinking 'retail?' but I am going to enjoy it!!!! I am so excited and hopeful that this could be the end to my four month long search for a starting point! This is a great opportunity for me and I am so excited... even though I haven't officially been hired yet! But I am thrilled to be hired for a position that actually ASKS for my degree in the field, which means the pay should be commiserate, yes? Gosh, I think I could just pee my pants I'm so happy!

Stress with a side of burnout

I haven't written much lately, sorry to all of my avid fans...lol. Nah, I've just been super busy, you know, doing stuff. At work its been stressful but I won't go into details here... at home Brooklynn has been sick and not eating well, she's cutting her 3 year molars early and we're paying the price! School has been entirely too much, since I'm in the middle of writing a 35 page (minimum!) research paper while taking another class where I was required to turn in an 8-12 page research paper as well as give a presentation and take a final (gotta do all of that tonight!) and in 9 days I'm taking a test for college credit hours on college algebra, which I'm trying to brush up on by myself with the help of a few study aids. Of course the money situation is dire... but only b/c all the things that were broken had to be fixed. I did go to Aeropostale to meet the store manager about a Asst. Manager position they have open, but I'll have to wait til next week and see if she calls me in for an interview with the district manager. On a happier note: Harry Potter comes out in 9 days!!!! I'll be posting a review of the book when I am finished reading it, which should be the same day it is released unless I'm extremely ill. So life is stressful and I'm a little burned out but I'm still truckin' along and rolling with the punches cuz what else can I do? At least I have something to look forward to. Ta ta for now, all of my friends who actually read my blogs. I am so sincerely happy that you think what I say is interesting!

Great Movie!

So upon recommendation I bought and watched the movie The Prestige, with Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale. It was an absolutely awesome movie that had my attention from beginning to end! Rivalry, backstabbing, obsessions, and magic tricks... what more do you need? I highly recommend that anyone who loves movies add it to your collection. I know I'll probably watch it at least a couple times more this weekend!

The dam broke

Okay. Many would say that things couldn't get any worse. And I'd say sure it can, b/c bad shit just keeps happening to me. I can't find a job. I nearly broke my foot. I am trying to graduate on time and keep my mind intact. My roof started leaking yesterday when it rained (its only three years old). And my boss and I got in a spat. And today my water heater broke. Not the hose. The whole fucking shabang is goddamn broken. And that's not the only thing that is broke. WE ARE BROKE. I have no money to spend to fix these problems. I have no more optimism to spout. I have no idea if i can mutter the words 'it won't always be this way'. I have muttered the words 'things are never going to get better'. I'm tired of trying, I'm tired of doing and never getting anywhere I'M JUST SO TIRED. I can't fight anymore. There is no fight left in me. I give up. If this is some sort of test for my spirit then I'm ready to fail. I give up. I'm the one who is broken now.

Injured

Yeah, I got home from work today and started cleaning up around the house, sweeping, etc, and I then start cleaning my front yard (graveyard of many cigarette butts) and picking up trash. The mail comes, so I go to get it, where I step off the curb, twist my foot, land on top of it with all my weight and OW! So I grit my teeth and grab the mail and limp like Igor all the way to my front door, when the tears start and I can't even stop them. IT HURT like you wouldn't believe, a knot swelled up about the size of a golf ball and it was all I could do to call my husband in hysterics. And like a hero, he rushed straight home (and in record time) to take me to urgent care where I find out I didn't break anything, just sprained the hell out of my foot. Not my ankle, my FOOT. Owowowowowowwwwwww!!!!! I can't walk without crutches (it actually beats the hell out of me that I made it in the house instead of passing out when it happened) and my foot feels like an ice cube b/c of the ice pack I've had on it. Stupid idiotic piece of crap its the same damn foot I sprained last year falling down the steps at work. By the time I'm 45, I'll be lucky if I can still walk on these things! ARGH! and also OW! If you need to reach me call me people, it takes a lot to come sit at the computer to type.

Something to look forward to....

Well, it's late, but I'm blogging cuz I need to kind of spill my guts. I always feel like I'm constantly trying to achieve a goal that's never going to happen, like I'm chasing a rabbit down a hole but I never get any closer to the rabbit.

Ok I don't think I'm even saying it right.

Start over. I've been telling myself for years that things are going to get better. That once I graduate and make more money, I'll be able to pay off some debt, we can move out of this crappy neighborhood, and we can have another baby and not constantly worry about making money. Money is a BIG part of this equation. I owe a lot of people some and I don't make enough. And once I complete college, I'll have to start paying for that college education that I so desperately needed, only to find out that most entry level careers for my degree require major hours (50-60) and shitty salaries in order to gain experience. But what about my daughter? My husband? My family? Why is there not a job out there that incorporates that into the equation?? Why should I have to sacrifice myself and the time I could be spending with my loved ones? And I'd be making more money but I'd be losing some of the things that make me rich at heart. I don't know what to do. And everyday, it grows more worrisome, and more pressing. And I just say what I always say when things look hopeless... it won't always be this way. But I can't stop myself from adding: but what if it is?

Proof

I wish that I never had to feel like I had to prove myself to anyone. I know everyone must feel that way, but just imagine that some of your friends knew bad things that you had done, really terrible mistakes, and they judged you for those mistakes from that moment on.

If someone could see inside to everything that you have done that was wrong, what would people think of you? They would think the worst, but why then, do we not think the worst of ourselves? So I'm left with this feeling of defensiveness because I don't think I am a bad person. But I only know one other person who doesn't think that. The rest, well, I'm not so sure. And it makes me very very sad.

I think I've just uncovered the reason that we are not a telepathic race.

Harry Potter and the Rise of Paganism

Nothing pisses me off worse than people who can't take a story as a story. Condemn others for liking stories about the supernatural... whatever. Of course, everyone knows that Harry Potter is finally coming to a conclusion this summer, but I hate hearing about how it is turning kids pagan because it is about witches and wizards and magic. Its a fucking story, not a bible, are you kidding? First off, the word pagan has a derogatory history that actually truly refers to an outsider. It was a term invented to describe someone who lived outside of society. The correct term that these hatemongers are looking for is Wiccan, and I'm sorry, but true wiccans don't carry around magic wands looking for evil. So Harry potter isn't really a threat, people, it is your terrible parenting that is doing the job. If you think that a couple stories that are written and kept in the fiction aisle are going to uproot the values you have raised and taught your children then what does that say about you??? Obviously you aren't so sure about what you taught, or how strongly you taught it. Another thing that slays me is that belief in the supernatural (or even just the like of supernatural stories) is supposed to undermine belief in God. Um, ok, have you realized yet that faith in God is believing in something that you can't see, you can't prove, that you just have to have faith about? And that stories about having faith in magic, santa claus, heroes that save us all are really actually preparation and help children learn to have that faith that becomes so important to you later in religious practices? I'm not religious by any means, more of an agnostic if you will, but I can't stand the hypocrisies of this and all of its bullshit.

Don't get me started.... or I could go off about the idiots who argued about the DaVinci Code too.

Jobs and tickets

Well, things for me are going okay. I got contacted for a job as a veterinary practice manager that might require me to move away from everyone, but I can't just stay and not take advantage of a good opportunity, right? I would feel guilty about leaving for so many different reasons, and it scares me a little, the possiblity that I'd be going somewhere new and would be disoriented and starting a new job and not to mention Joey would have to quit his job and we'd have to find daycare for Brooklynn and I would miss all of our friends and we'd be farther from family. This has a lot of potential and a lot of potential problems. But who's to say, ya know? I may not even get the job. What if they don't like me? What if I didn't do so hot on the management test they asked me to take? What if what if what if......

Ok, I'll stop. But seriously. Another thing that bothers me is I really love the place where I am working, which doesn't happen often and not for many people. I really work with some fantastic people. Ok, Now I promise I'll stop.

I got a freaking speeding ticket on top of everything else today. 60 in a 40, yeah, yeah. Rave on, oh portly fat cop in your navy blue uniform. He actually asked, 'Did you know you were going 60?' and I said 'No, I wasn't aware' but in my head I was thinking 'I'm really glad you caught me around a curve because a second ago I was going 65.' He reduced it for me so no points, but part of me still wishes I had turned down a side road and tried to disappear when I saw him turn around. But thats life, I guess. I can just see me getting arrested for fleeing from the cops. Christina? Running from the cops? But she was such a nice girl! Newsflash: there's no such thing. There's just caught and not caught and thats it folks.

I wonder if that vet will contact me back this week? Interview me or anything. Ok, stop, stop STOP! Jeez, ok I'm outta here. I need a ciggie and maybe some headache medicine cuz I feel one coming on.

Okay, So I'll give this a shot. I'm just a girl. But it gets complicated from there. I'm 24 years old, married with a 2 1/2 year old daughter. I'm trying to finish school while working full time and being a wife and a mother. And if I got paid for all of those jobs, I wouldn't need to win the lottery.

I'm a bit on the quiet side, until you get to know me. I've got dry humor that isn't always taken the right way, sarcasm and wit that never fail, and I'm a pretty cool person to know, or at least I think so. I love to laugh, which means if you are funny I want to know you, or at least talk to you, b/c laughter is the only medicine I really need.

I sometimes feel that I haven't done anything with my life, b/c I was so young when I got pregnant and married. Sometimes I think I'm still a girl playing house. I never got to do any of the things I planned on doing, but I feel more experienced with actual LIFE than almost all of the people I know.

I work at a vet clinic that handles small and large animals. Its an interesting job, and I love animals. Cows and horses are a bit crazier than I thought when I was younger, but I am not afraid of them. I actually fear more the small little chihuahuas that come in for nail trims and try to bite the living fire out of you. They pose more of a threat somehow.

I am a feminist, but not in the traditional sense. I just do the things that any man could do just as well. I don't need to stand in the middle of some riot to prove that I CAN, I just do it and that is enough for me.

I have lots of faults. I am very direct, which can hurt people. I occasionally blow up like an atomic bomb, leaving a mushroom cloud as proof of my destructive ways. I often worry if I am liked, and harsh words towards me make me build walls. They are only made of cardboard. I am usually ok after apologies and/or general conversation.

I have very few true friends. One is my husband, Joey. He is so wonderful to me, but that's not to say he can't give me a good verbal hashing when I am being irrational. And he's not perfect. But he does love me for who I am. He knows everything about me and still loves me, which is something I have grown confident in. He is protective and bold, but modest abut himself. He has so many great qualities, but very rarely does he let anyone see those things. Sometimes I feel like I alone truly see him, and everyone else only sees an illusion. The other is my best friend Angie, who has been with me since middle school. She also knows my good and bad, my true self. I also truly see her, all of the outside and in, and know that she is truly beautiful in so many ways.

My daughter is my life. She means so much to me. She has taught me patience and unconditional love, which can only come from being a mother. It is something only another mother can understand. Everyday she grows more beautiful, more precious, and I feel myself constantly worried about the world and how much it will scar that wonderful innocence that she possesses. I want another child when I complete my degree and get my 'real' job. If it is a girl her name will be Seraphin Rose. (pronounced Sarah-feen). If a boy, Xander Kain. I look forward to adding to my family.

So that is me, I think. If I left anything out you can read future blogs and ascertain who I really am. Actually, I think I'm still figuring that one out for myself.